Gerald Banner, an agent of the United States’ Internal Revenue Service, stands in front of a news camera holding a cardboard box labeled “grills.” He and several other agents have begun the long, difficult process of repossessing the belongings from the estates of hip-hop mogul Baby, the pioneer behind the now legendary Cash Money Records.

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Banner leads the news crew to the basement where he shows them a pit in the middle of the room where many believe Baby held illegal baby fights. “It’s a lot like dog fights, but they’re conducted with human infants,” explains Banner. They also found several large granite blocks of what appeared to be rappers whom belonged to No Limit Records Baby’s largest competitor at the time when his label was beginning to emerge.

“I think he viewed it a trophy to have Silkk the Shocker’s body frozen in carbonite and on display in his house as a message to anyone that might try to cross him,” said Banner as he leads the crew of reporters through the mogul’s macabre mansion into Baby’s torture room where it is reported that the hip-hop icon sit on an actual throne and watched his rivals be tortured underneath a pendulum, fed to ants, and another room where men and women were placed inside a box and forced to listen to the last Carter album while Baby was served giant chalices full of maple syrup by actual human centipedes.

“There wasn’t any way we were going to bust him on grounds other than tax evasion. The man owed the United States government thirty-eight million dollars in back taxes, but what we really have here is a criminal mastermind on the levels of Al Capone and Walt Disney,” said Agent Banner.

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